Psychotherapy for Relationship Issues

Attachment Theory

Created by John Bowlby, attachment theory is the brilliant idea that our earliest bonds with our primary caregivers have a profound impact on our patterns of relating for the rest of our lives.  For example, a primary caregiver who is available and responsive to an infant's needs enables the child to develop a sense of security, known as a secure attachment style. Whereas inconsistent or neglectful caregiving might result in insecure or avoidant attachment styles. These attachment styles often play a role in how and who we tend to relate to as adults. 

When do you need a therapist for relationship issues?

For a lot of people, the decision to seek counselling is only made when we are facing a significant problem in our relationships, but therapy is available and beneficial to everyone, even those of us who are coping with uncomfortable feelings which do not seem as severe. Often, for the sake of our relationships and our own emotional and mental wellbeing, it is worth thinking about how we relate to others, in order to see if it might be beneficial to reach out to a therapist for relationship issues.

Communication breakdown: Communication breakdowns involve one party or both parties feeling wary of communicating, or simply avoiding communication. Feeling that expressing our feelings and opinions will lead to conflict, can lead to distancing ourselves from friends and partners, and ultimately disconnection.

Problems with sex and intimacy: A decrease of sexual activity in a romantic relationship is completely normal in long-term couplings, but intimacy remains important. A total lack of sex (unless mutually agreed upon) might be indicative of a loss of interest in each other and can start to affect other areas of the relationship.

No longer doing things together: Modern life is hectic and stressful, and we can easily become wrapped up in our work, extracurricular activities and hobbies that result in us feeling distanced from our partner. Making time for each other, even just to have breakfast or watch a movie together, is vital to maintaining a healthy relationship and feeling like a team.  

No longer doing things for each other: When we start to feel like we are being taken for granted, sometimes we can begin to resent our partner, and stop attending to their needs. This can be something as simple as making them a cup of coffee. When we stop thinking about our partner, we can begin to distance ourselves from them.

Excluding your partner from your life: It is easy to shut ourselves off from our partner when we start to feel that the relationship is no longer working for us. This might result in us pushing the other person away, or perhaps we are the ones feeling pushed aside, no longer being involved in each other’s lives

Benefits of relationship counselling

There are multiple research papers and studies proving the effectiveness of counselling when a relationship is facing difficulties, and the utility of understanding our attachment style. Some of the benefits of thinking about relationships and attachment in therapy include: 

• Improved communication

• Understanding ourselves and our partner better

• Overcoming relationship struggles

• Providing clarity about how much the relationship is worth

• Alleviating emotions of stress, anger, and loneliness

• Gain an insight into the dynamics of the relationship, and our attachment style

• Deepening intimacy and the ability to communicate

• Reconnecting emotionally

• Promoting self-awareness and personal growth

• Improving self-esteem

Undergoing therapy is not guaranteed to save a relationship, but it will enable us to communicate better, promote awareness and clarity on how and why we attach, and provide the tools necessary to resolve and rebuild our relationship issues.

Relationship issues: Types of treatment

Relationship counselling is generally thought of as couples counselling, which can be very useful. However, in many instances, individual therapy is useful for relationship issues, providing us with a private space to understand and work through unhelpful patterns in romantic, platonic and familial relationships. In every type of treatment offered here at The Modern Psychotherapist, we will work in a safe space, allowing you, as an individual or as one half of a couple, to explore difficult feelings and begin to make sense of them. Here are some of the therapeutic approaches we might use together:

Humanistic and Person-Centred Counselling: Humanistic and Person-Centred Counselling is the most common form of treatment and often referred to as talking therapy. As a therapist for relationship issues, I will create a safe, non-judgemental space, where you are seen and heard, to ensure you are supported as we work through the issues which you are struggling with in your relationship(s). This will begin the process of acknowledging, understanding and articulating the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings you are experiencing away from your partner. 

Psychodynamic Therapy: Psychodynamic therapy is built on the ideas of Sigmund Freud and psychoanalysis, and aims to bring past experiences rooted in the unconscious into the conscious mind, where we are able to better understand them. John Bowlby, the creator of attachment theory, was a psychodynamic psychotherapist.  Through exploring those experiences and addressing how they might have created distressing behavioural patterns, we will be able to think about your attachment style and your ways of relating. Once we understand these patterns of attachment, we will be able to adapt the way in which you interact with others.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy: Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, more commonly known simply as CBT, is based on the idea that thoughts drive feelings that drive behaviours. If our thoughts, for example, are constantly negative, those thoughts will start to negatively affect our feelings. The combination of negative thoughts and feelings will in turn negatively impact our behaviours, and soon we find ourselves trapped in a vicious cycle.  For example, we might feel negatively about ourselves, which might make us anxious, which in turn inhibits our ability to be in a healthy relationship with others.  If we manage to change one of these aspects in a positive way, it can break the cycle and start to make a positive impact on the other areas as well. CBT is mostly focused on the here and now, providing us with the tools to make positive changes to emotional, thinking and behavioural patterns. 

If you are ready to take the first step to get in touch with a therapist for relationship issues, I am a fully qualified (MAPsych, PGDipPsych) and registered (MBACP) integrative psychotherapist, servicing the following areas of Central and West London: 

Relationship issues therapy Central London

Notting Hill

Kensington

Chelsea

Bayswater

Relationship issues therapy West London

Shepherds Bush

Queen’s Park

Kensal Rise

I also have experience in helping clients with depression, stress, low-self esteem and low self-confidence, trauma, anxiety, communication, anger management, and bereavement. 

Common Questions: 

What happens in our relationship therapy sessions?

Our initial session will mostly involve us talking about your reasons for coming to therapy, and beginning to understand you, and what it is you would like to address and w to achieve in our future sessions. Each and every session, including this first assessment, will offer you a warm, safe and non-judgemental  environment in which you will be able to express yourself freely about your own personal challenges, the issues you are facing your relationships, and all the accompany thoughts and feelings that can be difficult to articulate to others. Everything you say in therapy is subject to strict confidentiality.

How long would we need to have therapy for?

You are the client and in total control of how long we work for. It is important to keep in mind that each therapeutic journey is individual and that some issues might take longer to fully explore, and potentially resolve, than others. I recommend starting with six sessions with regular check-ins to see how you and I feel the work is progressing. I see our work together as a collaborative process.